Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
