Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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