Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
