Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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