I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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