I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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