Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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