tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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