You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
