So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize
