is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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