Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Randomize
