At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
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