Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Im just a social blackout drinker.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
