the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
whose parrot is this?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
