i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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