after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
