No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Randomize
