The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
