How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
