The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
