I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
