He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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