I hate your face
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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