The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
