just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
