I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
