grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
