Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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