I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
