Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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