I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
