it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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