Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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