I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
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