gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
