i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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