Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
