I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
