When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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