Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
"it" just moved
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
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He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
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My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.