in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
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