I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober