everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
