Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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