xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
