By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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