I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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