Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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