You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
