i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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