I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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