I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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