I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Randomize
