Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
