It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
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