Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
