Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
