If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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