if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
How does one acquire holy water?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
