I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize