4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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