You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
