I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
He's on the porch naked. Help.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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