I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
